Why is healing causing me so much pain?!
So yesterday was a really hard day.
I didn’t even know why.
I woke after good sleep in a good mood and gradually over the morning that mood shifted and I found I was COMPLETELY frustrated and angry and tired and exhausted and that loop just spun on through the day amplifying with each turn until it was all I could do to not be in tears, not bite my children’s collective heads off, and not erupt into screams.
It was all I could do to not erupt into screams
I was scheduled to attend an online course and a staff meeting, but I chose not to go. My excuse or reasoning was I didn’t want to inflict this maelstrom of chaos on anyone intentionally or unintentionally verbally or simply by being present. I know, likely, had I attended one or both sessions I probably could have shifted out of the cycle, at least a little; and I still chose not to go.
Luckily, two soul sisters, the ones also attending the staff meet-up, reached out to me asking if I wanted to receive an energetic healing. Thankfully I was intelligent enough, or in pain enough, to say yes. The conducted the healing remotely at a distance (meaning they recorded it without my being on the call.) The synopsis of what they communicated to me was that I was receiving back more of my own power, and my body was unused to that amount of energy. I was also releasing decades of judgment and reintegrating many portions of my younger self that I had separated from.
All that sounds AWESOME, amazing, and a wonderful blessing.
So why, why was I having such an intense emotional and physical reaction to it?!
I sat with that question for a long time.
And I sat noticing my how my body was feeling and how I was feeling to see if those feelings were mine.
One thing I was able to discern was, yes, they were mine.
As for the why?…I still had no answer.
“I said to my soul, be still, and wait…
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing. “
“And that’s death to the story of who you are…”
– Kyle Cease, The Limitation Game
This morning I started listening to Kyle Cease’s course: The Limitation Game . About 40-some minutes into video one, he said many things in a row that struck me in the moment as “Wow.” Like, HOLY SH*!, wow.
I stopped the video, and went to grab lunch and sit with it. Here’s my understanding of what I heard, (of course I recommend you watch the series yourself.)
There may be times where we were given limitations by others, and in accepting those limitations, received love from those others.
Over time two things happen.
One, we receive so much love for being the limitation, that we forget we are more than that story.
Two we want the love we received so much that we become attached, or addicted to, that limitation.
Now imagine what happens when that limitation starts to shift, lessen, to be let go of, when we remember who we are is more than the limitation.
First, at least for me,I experienced it in my body and my emotions.
Yeah, I’m still letting that sink in.
It began as agitation, agitation throughout my whole body starting in my third chakra, my gut, and spreading out and up my back to the base of my neck. Then was the Tension. I had a Tension headache, tension stomach ache, and more agitation. Frustration at not knowing what I’m feeling, a bit of the victim energy of why is this happening to me? was all present.
As I began to shift, and began to receive more of my power back, there was a part of me certain I was going to become unlovable.
I’d always received love and friendship for NOT being too much, for having my frequency, my volume, turned down. Believe me, that certainty of punishment and loss of love loss of friendship that the many younger aspects of me held as true, resistance to letting go of that pattern was kicking up a tremendous ruckus in my body, mind, and energy field.
It helps to hear outside validation that who I am, at full-volume, unique is already perfect, is already loved, and already received in appreciation and love by many of my friends.
The trickier part, is can I love and accept and appreciate me turned-up and at full volume, especially if there are still those in my life who are more comfortable when my frequency is turned down.
Right now, I don’t feel so good
I can say writing this out, acknowledging it, that the bio-physio-energetic reaction is still happening. Right now, I don’t’ feel so good. Pain and tension, frustration and anger and anxiety is all present and being felt.
But, I know how to work with energy towards healing myself, I have that toolset.
Acknowledging that, I also feel now they are less than they were, and the more love and the more of my energy I give permission to be there, to welcome it in, the better I feel.
The more love and the more of my energy I give permission to be there, the better I feel.
So there it is. I asked why, and I think it is at least part of my answer, perhaps even the whole answer to why the welcoming back of my personal power and integrating past versions of myself, why healing was causing pain.
I was, maybe am still, attached to the limited (defined as loveable) version of me. It’s not about letting that go, it’s about allowing me to be more than that story and LOVING MYSELF and letting that be more important.
I think I will then begin seeing where and how others love and appreciate me, the less limited, and unlimited versions of me as well.
“Not Hope, but Faith. Hope will walk through the flames, Faith will leap over it.” – Jim Carey
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